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Heard a good one lately? Send it along and I'll
post it for everyone to enjoy.
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Never Lie to Your Mother
Ben invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Ben's mother couldn't
help but notice how beautiful Ben's roommate, Jennifer,
was. Ben's mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only
made her more curious. Watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Ben and
Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to
Ben saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't think she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom, I'm not saying that
you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house; I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner. Love, Ben
Several days later, Ben received an
e-mail back from his mother that read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that
you "do" sleep with Jennifer; I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact
remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
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MERRY CHRISTMAS
There was a man who worked for the post
office whose job it was to process undeliverable mail.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting
to God with no actual address. He thought he should open
it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow
living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it which was all the
money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Friday is Christmas and I
had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He
showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug
into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96
which he put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The
rest of the day all the workers felt a warm glow
thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to
share with her friends.
Christmas came, and went.
A few days later another letter
arrived from the same old lady to God. All the workers
gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough
for what you did for me? Because of your gift of
love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my
friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4
missing. I think it might have been those bastards
at the post office.
SIncerely,
Edna
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BREAKFAST
A six year old and his
four year old brother
are upstairs in their
bedroom. "You know
what?" says the six year
old. "I think it's about
time we started
cussing."
The four year old nods
his head in approval.
The six year old
continues. "When we go
downstairs for
breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and
you say something with
ass."
The four year old agrees
with enthusiasm.
So, when the mother
walks into the kitchen
and asks the six year
old what he wants for
breakfast, he replies,
"Aw hell, Mom, I guess
I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK!!! He flies out of
the chair, tumbles
across the kitchen
floor, gets up and runs
upstairs, crying his
eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with
every step. His Mom
locks him in his room
and shouts, "You can
stay there until I let
you out!"
She then comes back
downstairs, looks at the
four year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And
what do YOU want for
breakfast, young man?"
I don't know, he
blubbers, "but you can
bet your ass it won't be
Cheerios!"
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RANDOM THOUGHTS
FOR THE DAY
-
I think
part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.
-
Nothing
sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.
-
I
totally take back all those times I didn't want to
nap when I was younger.
-
There is
great need for a sarcasm font.
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How the
hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
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Was
learning cursive really necessary?
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Map
Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my
neighborhood.
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Bad
decisions make good stories.
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You
never know when it will strike, but there comes a
moment at work when you know you just aren't going
to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
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Can we
all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue
Ray? I don't want to have to restart my
collection...again.
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I'm
always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my
ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make
any changes to.
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"Do not
machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash
this -- ever.
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I hate
when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?
Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back,
it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd
you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?
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I hate
leaving my house confident and looking good and then
not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What
a waste.
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I keep
some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I
know not to answer when they call.
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I think
the freezer deserves a light as well.
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I
disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given
Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller
Lites than Kay.
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GOOD
THINGS TO REMEMBER
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not
lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me
either. Just pretty much leave me the
*&!$ alone.
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It's always darkest before dawn. So if
you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
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Never test the depth of the water with
both feet.
-
Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way,
when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving
is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a
day. Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see
that person again, it was probably worth
it.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
- Some days you're the bug; some days
you're the windshield.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.
- The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it in half and put it back in
your pocket.
- A closed
mouth gathers no foot.
- There are two theories to arguing with
women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your lips are moving.
- Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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Dear
Abby,
I've never written
to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.
The
usual signs......... phone rings but if I answer, the
caller hangs
up. My wife has
been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although
when
I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends
from work, you
don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look
out for her
as she comes home, but I'm usually so tired I fall right
to sleep and
miss her arrival. Anyway, I have never approached the
subject with my
wife.
I
think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth,
but last
night she went out again and I decided to really check
on her. Around
midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf
clubs so I
could get a good view of the whole street when she
arrived home from a
night out with "the girls".
It was at that moment, crouching behind my
clubs, that I noticed that
the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a
hairline crack right
by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or
should I take
it back to the pro shop where I bought it? |
BLONDE GEOMETRY
Reportedly, this
is the solution
submitted by a beautiful blonde student to question
#3 on a high school geometry exam. It is our
understanding that after careful scrutiny, the
student was given credit for the answer by the
teacher. When hearing of this the Board of Education
warned math teachers to be more explicit in the
wording of examination problems but was hesitant to
suggest how.
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STRESS RELIEF Just in case you've had a rough day,
here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended
in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is
that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place
called "the World".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the
air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're
holding underwater.
8. See... You're smiling already. |
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NAVAJO WOMAN'S WISDOM
Sally was driving home in Northern Arizona when she saw
an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would
like a ride? With a silent nod, the woman got in the
car.
Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the
Navajo woman.
The old woman looked intently at everything she saw,
studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown
bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
"It's a bottle of wine, I got for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she
said, "Good trade." |
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